Are you in it for love or attention and focus? – Question for the “Other” Person in an Affair

by Relationship Coach Rinatta

in Help for the Other Person

Note: This article is specifically for the “other” person in an affair. Please play nice in the comments.

Does your affair partner really love you? When you are the “other” person you question his or her love for you all the time, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. The reason you keeps questioning that love is because when a person really loves you they are irresistibly drawn to you and want to be with you. That is one of the reasons people live together and get married – to spend more time together.

And yet, your affair partner who is supposed to love you goes back to his marriage or relationships and spends much more time away from you than with you. No wonder you should question his or her love.

I am sure he or she feels a lot of something for you, but perhaps it is not the love that true love is made of and it certainly isn’t love that fills you up, lifts you up and improves your life, as here you are in pain, reading this, trying to cope with the affair.

So let’s for a minute say that it is not exactly the quest for love that got you into the affair. Could you possibly be more after the attention and focus you get from your affair partner? Where else in your life do you get intense attention and focus? What would happen if you got a lot of attention and focus from other people, even if it wasn’t romantic in nature?

Do ponder these questions rather than rejecting them out of hand. On the other side of that pondering could be a bit of a release from the cycle of pain and frustration that the affair is causing you.

New help for the “other” person in an affair:

How would you like to get a helping hand in working through the personal issues that keep you stuck in your affair? Imagine what’s on the other side of handling those issues – freedom, a life without pain, and love from an available wonderful partner.

Handle these issues by getting support from a seasoned Relationship Coach, who’s worked with many men and women who were the “other” in an affair or love triangle. Stop feeling isolated and find the strength to do what you need to do. Get professional support to survive and learn to thrive in spite of the affair. Take a look at how I can help you.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

1 krusty March 6, 2008

I was publically humiliated and shamed for my involve
ment with a married man.I preyed on him,in great
expectations,desperately wanting,what I believed he
could offer me and my daughter,the lifestyle he and
his wife had.I now realize,this married man was having
a midlife crisis.And never intended to be with me.I
was used by him to hurt his wife,and offer him my
services,to be a garbage can.
What I believed to be in the beginning,ended up as a
nasty backlash,leaving me dumped and alone,to deal
with all what I coherced and manipulated,and trusted
securing for myself,a life I for sure would have,and
all the envy I had for his wife,would be mine.
I put alot of time and worked hard for this.
I even played the nonchalant game.Making it easy for
him,to have me around.I knew enough about his wife
to twist the truth,and in the beginning it was easy.
But eventually he started to stand up for her,and what
was suppose to take place,didnt.
I knew he was continually going to see his wife,and
even was told,she was having unprotected anal sex with
him,and he used condoms with me.And mostly wanted
oral from me.I at first didnt care,I thought things
would change,I really believed,after his wife found
out,that for sure it would be over and after she
dumped him he would have to come running to me.
But she knew all along,and waited for things to come
to a head.Instead of kicking to the curb,she had
compassion for him,for what he was going through.
I eventually figured out,he would never end up with
any of their assests,and she held all the cards.He
was living in a rat infested trailer,and would never
be able to offer me or anyone anything more.she still
had to run their CO.and was in the position to get
everything.Even the big fancy truck he was driving
was hers.And I found out,after he dumped me.
It was never an ongoing relationship,and the year he
was apart from his wife,he went back after 7weeks,and
lived with her for 4 mths,moved into a trailer for 9
mths,just down the road from his wife and daughter.
He even took her to a big city for a week in the middle
of the 9 mths.and wanted her back,but she wouldnt let
him.I still hung on believing eventually I would win.
even though I still had to play the nonchalant easy
to be with friend,that wanted nothing,and in the end
got left,alone,being publically humilliated and shamed
having others clap and laugh at me.Even my parents
were humilliated,thinking I would be getting married
and they even started to tell people.
Why not,he was the type.Why wouldnt he give to me
eventually what he has with his wife.I would have his
family,and his kids would be mine.My kid would have
the awsome life they had.
His kids were disgusted by me,and he sided with them
right away.When his daughter asked him if he was inlove
with me,he said no,but he cared about me.
He even made me sit in the back seat,on the one outing
we had with her.He treated me like garbage,and it only
took 2wks,to end after it was out in the open.
the only thing his wife said to him after she found out
was “go all the way”.And she laughed.I wasnt what he
would ever be proud of.And he used me,cause I was
easy to have around.I was finally dealt a harsh blow
that I wasnt able to ever handle.He even told me to my
face a yr later how much he loved his wife,and without
any thought of me.
He never was going to love me,and it was only time
that I would be dumped off as the garbage can and the
dollar store who who.I had lost any control in the
situation after,he was released from my evil web.I
was given back everything I put out and 7x worse.All
the lies I told him about his wife surfaced and came
back to me.

2 Anonymous October 8, 2008

I recently started a job about a year ago. 5 Months after I got married to my husband who I’d been with for 6 years. 2 days after I started the job, I found out I was pregnant. I started innocently started flirting with the trainer at the new job, just to have it roll into a little more serious then innocent. After about 3 months of heavy flirting, things obviously went further. He was engaged and had a child of his own and we both new that it was dangerous to begin this type of relationship, not only did we have our own relationships, children and jobs to potentially lose, but also our own heartache to avoid. We continued on and off for about 3 more months and before my child was born, I lost all feelings for him and worried about my family and myself. After my child was born and I was back to normal, I received a message telling me everything a woman would want to hear to get the butterflies and started having feelings for him again…. Just recently we told me that he was working things out with his fiance and that he wanted to remain friends… I am so hear broken and have no where to turn since no one knows about it.. even bestfriends I can’t tell things to in fear my husband would find out. I have told my husband that things did cross the line but did not tell him everything.. Having your heartbroken and not being able to show any emotion from it is one of the heartest things I’ve ever done… I basically feel now that I was only there to fill a void that he wasn’t getting from his fianc’e and now that he is, I got tossed to the side.. I risked my job, my husband – everything… so not worth it!

3 [jame] December 18, 2008

Being TOW is more painful than anyone even knows.

4 annonymous November 26, 2009

I always find it repulsing that of course the assumption is that it isn’t love but need of attention or just sex or what have you. It’s clear this person knows nothing of the heart of the other woman or other man for that matter that truly does love and does have an actual love affair vs. an affair for sex or attention. If the world would actually wish for each person to be with their true love in a lasting relationship, I think we would live in a much happier and healthier place. It would also allow the other person in the relationship to find their true happiness, weather that be the spouse or other man/woman. But, no, it is just keep the marriage together at all cost, and often this will be at the expense of many people’s happiness. Of course we can all grit our teeth and do “our duty,” but where does that leave you at the end of your life? Maybe that is the bigger question that people should ponder. Am I ad advocate of divorce? No. But neither am I an advocate of being with someone when you know that your heart belongs to someone else.

5 victoria campbell February 16, 2010

You know, I am going through an affair situation. I have been witymy husband for 7 years. We got married and within a couple of months we were speaking of DIVORCE. My husband cheated on me and did it before the wedding and after. I was so caught up in making my wedding so wonderful and perfect that I didn’t see the distance and the non attention and love that he wasnt giving me. I have been going crazy for the last 6 months and Im not the one that cheated. I really loved him from the heart. My part and end of the love was true and real. It hurts like someone has shot me close range in the face. How can people be happy dating married people and don’t think, What Go Around Come Around! I want my husband back but he has alot to do,say and a better way of thinking!

6 portable grill reviews September 10, 2010

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7 Jen January 25, 2011

I was married to my husband for 17 years and recently divorced a man that was incapable of change or growth in any healthy way. He wanted the marriage to end but did not have the tenacity or courage to do anything. I was forced into having to do all the work. Now he gets to play victim to the world by saying he was left!! I swear…..Now three years later and after much soul searching I finally feel I am better equipped to pick a partner. Right!! I was recently contacted by my high school sweetheart. We loved each other madly and didn’t leave things with each other very good. So, he contacted me just 6 months ago to meet for lunch. I knew he was married and I wasn’t looking for anyone. I wanted to see him and tell him I was sorry and hear how the last 25 years have gone. We had lunch, we talked and talked and talked. I never intended on anything happening and nor did he. But we can’t deny the fact that we love each other. I can’t look at him and not feel it and he feels the same way. I am not a horrible person and I had nothing to do with his failing marriage. I am not sorry but realize that this connection has to change because I do not live in limbo nor will I. Did I mention that my ex-husband is now living with my best friend of 15 years? So, I am very familiar with both sides of this and will add that as much as I hate her she had nothing to do with my marriage not working. No one is capable of ruining something that is sound and true. The end of every relationship is complicated, heart wrenching, and full of change all the ingredients of heart ache. But no – this is not something one person has power over. It is lacking in self-esteem and self-confidence to play victim to life experience – everything comes to an end and most things do not last forever – nor should they. Pick up move on and never beg someone to be with you – you are all you need for a happy, content life. Get involved in school, join a club, take your children to the park, phone a friend, volunteer at the local elementary school by reading to children, take a dog for a long walk….fall in back in love with yourself. If he loves you he will be drawn to you….if he is a jerk then he is a jerk….either way you will be ok because you don’t NEED him – you will have a life complete without dependence. This will keep you open and receptive to knew experiences and who knows what possibilities lie in tomorrow!!!

8 Thomas January 31, 2011

I feel soooo empty. I started a harmless relationship with a co-worker who was married. I am married as well. We were really good friends. We hung out and laughed and always had a great time. She told me that she loved me. And several weeks after that we started to be intimate. All i heard is how much i meant, how much she loved me, how much she needed me. Then because of various reason she wanted to distance herself from me. She decided to tell her husband. All i know is that i feel foolish, humiliated, degraded. She treats me like a 2nd class citizen now. She talks over me or ignores me altogether. I am empty. I try to supress all of this and it doesnt work. I tried to get rid of things that remind me of her. Nothing works. I tried to put all of my time back into my family and when i have time to think, she is still there. I dont know what to do. I know that i did really love her. And now i hate myself for who i am. I feel i hate myself as much as she must hate me now.

9 thomas December 13, 2011

Dawn,

Thank you for your kind words. I’m a wreck but at least someone can at least listen. I keep all of this inside and try to act like it doesnt bother me. The only conclusion i can come to is that my heart overruled my mind.

Thomas

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